


Old Fears

by Rakath



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi: Next Class
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 09:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakath/pseuds/Rakath
Summary: Esme having a breakdown, and the two people she didn't want coming to check on her.





	Old Fears

“I still can’t believe you and Lola are a thing.”

“I’m just glad she took me back after everything.” Miles glanced down at Maya, he was still growing accustomed to having her around. Tris leaving was rough, but it made sense. Owen could actually be useful for something. In spite of how they ended things, and what usually caused them to fight, Tris asked him to keep an eye on Maya after… well. What happened.

“You don’t have to waste time with me you know, I promise to tell Tris you’ve checked on me.”

“You really want me to leave that badly? Have a hot date?”

It was a little easier to have this dance now that they were merely friends, not anything more. Not anything more complicated. Both not wanting to burden the other, Miles understood the idea. That desire to put others first, because who could care about someone so worthless?

Fortunately for him, he could recognize that tendency in others fairly well. So Maya trying to ditch him never got far. Maybe Maya did want to ditch him, but until he was sure she was on her own two feet, that wasn’t happening.

“No… just, really, I don’t-”

“Not a burden, I do care, and Lola and I know a bit about not rubbing our relationship in everyone’s faces unlike your bandmates.”

Maya smiled, almost. It was smile-like, smile-adjacent. More than he usually got. Grace was getting closer to new lungs, Jonah was disgustingly smothering and affectionate. Miles was happy for Grace, but they could dial it down to about half volume and still be too loud.

“That’s because you two kept it a secret for months.”

“Well, I don’t kiss and tell.”

Maya rolled her eyes.

“Okay, I don’t anymore.”

“Have you two gotten caught naked yet?”

Miles sighed, “I’ve learned from past mistakes, and fortunately Lola is concerned with how Frankie reacts to us together. So she keeps me honest. I-”

“What do I have to do for you to stop obsessing over your ex!?”

Miles and Maya both turned to stare at Esme Song as she shouted in Zig’s face. He looked like he was facing down a bear, he probably  _ wished _ he was facing down a bear. Esme’s hair was unkempt in a way Miles knew well enough. Her eyes thought- that was new.

“Keep your voice down, we’re at school.” Zig’s attempt to diffuse was pathetic, he had no idea what he was doing, and Miles pre-emptively winced as he knew what came next.

“Are you embarrassed? I’ve done  _ everything _ I could for you! Do you want more? We can do it right here, I can find some sucker for a threesome, is that what it’ll take!?” Esme had edged from angry into desperate.

“I don’t want any of that, I just want you to stop making a scene.”

“Fine, I’ll go.” Esme stormed down the hall, and before Zig could take a step, “Don’t follow me!”

Zig stood there, alone, everyone staring. Once the show was over, once the hall was quiet and Esme blazed past them, Miles noticed Maya’s hand gripping his arm. Maya was frozen in place, again. That happened. It wasn’t new, it was just something Miles still wasn’t used to.

It happened when they dated, he just didn’t have a picture what was going on with her. Now he had a better idea, but the muscle memory was gone. He just put his hand over her’s and waited for her to calm down.

“We should go after her.”

Or she could suggest going after his least sane ex. That was possible, of course it was. Maya spent most of their time dating trying to save Zig, why would this be any different. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

He watched her eyes, she was- it wasn’t fear, or anxiety, it was something else.

“This is my fault.”

“Come again?”

“If she hadn’t found- on the roof- she wouldn’t-”

_ Oh. _ That. Of course it came back to that. And Esme wasn’t exactly stable before that happened. He hadn’t really considered how that would make everything worse. And how Maya would blame herself. “This is a bad idea.”

Maya didn’t look convinced, it wasn’t a convincing argument. When has ‘bad idea’ stopped either of them, ever, from doing anything. 

“...Let’s go.”

***

It wasn’t a hard search, she’d headed out of the school. They walked from the door toward where Esme’s car probably was and spotted her. Miles walked into the greenhouse, only to see Maya stop, completely, at the doors. This was her idea, why would she just-

Miles walked back to the door and took Maya’s hand, it wasn’t anything more than just to remind her he was there. She needed it, she squeezed his hand.

“You okay.”

She nodded, it was a quick movement, her eyes were still a little unfocused a moment longer. But when Miles took a step, Maya stepped too. “Hey, Esme?”

“What do you want?” Esme had venom in her words. Miles, mostly on instinct, tried to step between them but Maya’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Why do you care, you can have Zig running back to you now.”

“I don’t really care about that right now, I’m more interested in how you’re doing?” Maya’s voice wasn’t steady, not really. Miles could feel it, holding her hand. But if Esme were paying attention she could hear it. He’d have to find out later why this greenhouse was screwing with her this badly.

“No you don’t, not with the Mayor’s son on your arm.” Esme, also, didn’t seem all there. When she faked a suicide attempt for his attention she was- well, still Esme, softer, more vulnerable, but her words were solid, decisive. Every act as planned and cared for as her outfit or her hair. This was- wrong.

And yet she still managed to address him in a way meant to hurt him. Apparently he was an easy mark.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare-” Esme stood up and got right in Maya’s face. “You’re why all this is happening. You don’t get to apologize for what you’ve done.”

Maya didn’t flinch, but she was definitely losing focus at the more direct confrontation. “...I know.”

That, somehow, disarmed Esme more than anything else.

“I did something horrible, and I didn’t care who got hurt. I just thought- without me, everyone could move on.” Miles wasn’t sure he should be here, but he was also sure without his hand Maya would turn to dust where she stood. “Zig would be sad, but he’d have you. He’d get over me, we were never happening again anyway. Grace already hated me, everyone else had someone else to make it easy.”

Miles could practically see the circles spinning in Esme’s eyes, buffering a reaction and not quite figuring out how to react. She couldn’t take what she heard, and her own beliefs, and make a coherent picture. So she just… got stuck. “W-why would you think the world would move on? Like you didn’t matter?”

“I hurt people, being near me just brings pain. All that happens around me is people suffer. I know that’s not real, now, but- it felt real. It felt like that was all I offered. People get hurt, people get sick, they die… and I thought, I don’t know, it was all around me.”

Miles kept quiet, he wanted to tell Maya she was wrong. She didn’t hurt people, she found hurt people. She helped them, tried to push them toward a better self. He didn’t, because he knew how it felt. To fuck up, to fuck up so badly the world burned around him. Literally, more than once, in his case. And when he looked at Esme he could see that too.

He didn’t get the whole story, for either girl, but Esme felt better around people that didn’t know her well. That she was wrong, she was crazy. The school judged her for a number of things, some deserved, some none of their business. And he’d met her father, that man was a piece of work. It was no wonder he and Esme got along so well, at his worst. He just forgot, he didn’t focus on, how she was at her worst too.

“...Can we leave, I don’t like it in here.”

Esme nodded, mute and unsure, Miles had never seen Esme rendered so quiet by anything. Once they were out of the greenhouse Maya let go. His hand felt incomplete without her after so long just holding her up. The three walked over to a picnic table. Each sitting down.

“So you’re really just here to check on me, not steal Zig?”

“I just was worried. You were acting like- like you needed someone to talk to.” Maya reached out taking Esme’s hand. Miles was expecting Esme to attack but- no, she accepted it.

“I just- I don’t know what he wants, and he’s the only person in this stupid school that actually likes me.” Esme’s eyes made it clear who those words were for.

“Zig means well, but he doesn’t know what he wants most days.”

“I just- if he isn’t happy with me, if he might leave, I don’t- I don’t know what to do with myself.”

MIles, in spite of himself, chuckled, it was soft and he hoped it wasn’t noticed. It was, “Sorry, just, your worries about Zig, are how Zig ended up cheating on Maya.”

Both girls didn’t see the irony going on. Staring at him waiting to see where Miles was going.

“As Zoe tells it, and from my own experience, the idea of Maya not needing him is how he ended up cheating on her, losing her in the first place. He was so wrapped up in her he couldn’t find himself with a road map.”

Maya slumped a little at the words. Miles didn’t intend that weight for her shoulders but that was how things worked out. What surprised him was Esme brushing her thumb over Maya’s hand, “Zig being an idiot isn’t your fault.”

“You’re the one caught up with him.”

“I just- I don’t know how to be happy alone. I can’t make friends, they always find me too much. Unless I sleep with them. And then they leave anyway.”

Again, Miles was sure those were for him. “I wasn’t with you for the sex, not that you weren’t amazing in bed, I had to leave for myself. To get myself better.”

Maya took over, which Miles thanked her for, “I’ll be your friend, we don’t have to have sex. I’ll even stay way while you and Zig do whatever you two do. So it doesn’t get weird.”

Esme flinched, “Why are you so nice to me?”

“Maya’s nice to everyone, Zoe’s tortured her more than once and she still tries to reach out to her.”

Esme looked confused.

“We fought over Miles, it wasn’t worth it.” Maya shot Miles a glare.

“She’s right, I wasn’t.”

Esme still looked lost, the expression slowly breaking down with Esme, “I- you’re still in my nightmares, but- I-”

When she started crying Maya slipped closer and cradled Esme in her arms, letting the other girl cry. Miles watched, unsure of what his part was in this, other than to just be there. “Why don’t we skip last period, order pizzas on our way to my place, and try to think about anything but Zig?”

Maya glared over Esme at Miles.

“That sounds really nice. Maya’s busy, you’re driving.”

That, apparently, was Miles’s role in this. Chauffeur and he possessed one more mansion than they did.

***

Miles set the two pizzas on the table, “How is she?”

“Sleeping, but I think she’s better.”

Once they got to his place, Esme’s breakdown just progressed and Maya kept talking to her and consoling her. Miles slipped out to grab pizzas, giving them their space. “So, exciting enough for you.”

“This was exactly the day I was planning for.”

“How are you?”

Maya faltered, just a moment, then quickly tried to resume her motion heading for a pizza on the table.

“Well, Esme cried on you, if you need to cry on me…”

“I’m okay, just didn’t really want to go into the greenhouse.”

“I was wondering about that,” Miles hadn’t gone for any pizza yet, waiting.

“All of my- everything, kinda started there? My ex- he- he did what I did, but nobody found him,” Maya’s sentence felt over until two more words made it all click, “In time.”

“But you went in there,” Miles let the thought linger a moment, “Because you were afraid history would repeat.”

“I’m always afraid of that.”

A few parts of their past clicked in his mind, especially when he was at his worst, and Maya couldn’t go away if he threatened her. “What’s your plan?”

Maya stared at him, tired.

“You don’t really have one. Got it.”

“I’m hoping to just be there for Esme until we graduate, then over the summer, and hopefully she’ll find help wherever she’s going.”

“Neither of us are your responsibility.”

“No, but, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten so bad if I was around.”

Miles finally grabbed a slice of pizza, “Need a shoulder massage?”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean your back must be a mess, carrying the weight of the world all the time.”

“Oh ha ha. I’m serious.”

“That’s why I have to make jokes, you’re serious.” Miles sighed, “Esme doesn’t need a mother, she needs a friend. She couldn’t ask for better. But, just, take care of yourself too?”

Maya smiled, it was tired and worn out, but it was a smile. “Don’t you have a little girlfriend who should know about you running off with two of your exes?”

“I texted her before I got the pizzas, she’s coming over with Frankie. She’s a good listener and knows how to bake cookies.” Miles plated some more pizza and headed for the living room.

Maya rolled her eyes, “Stop acting so smug. But you did alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> So someone left me with the idea of Esme falling apart, but Maya and Miles are the two that come find her.
> 
> This meant kinda finding a way for Maya and Miles to be BFFs now, Miles not worrying about a jealous significant other, and Esme's breakdown to happen somewhere not Graduation. This is what I came up with, I love it, not sure anyone else will.
> 
> Miles felt like the right center for this, someone who can watch and listen.


End file.
